The end of year 2015, in Riga, is a piece of my diary. “This was a year of learning about my self and getting myself together, a year of 4 elements.”
The year started with the realisation I hadn’t asked myself the most important questions for too long. It was time for a lesson from the Earth. I felt I had to get back to the basics. Was my purpose really what I had thought? What did I want to leave after me and how would I accomplish those things? These questions unfortunately can’t be answered by others or Google. It is only I who asked and who could answer. It was time to be alone and question. I remember it as quite dark, frightening and heavy time. Avoiding it felt as an attractive option, except I was so sure I needed to stop my doubts. The answers didn’t come fast. But I became more and more conscious as I focused on finding them.
The Fire taught me a lesson of being here and now. My teacher told me the ritual of walking across hot coals symbolises meeting all of my inner fears. He taught me how to walk on the fire so that I won’t get burned. He said I needed to be completely focused on what I was doing during the ritual so I wouldn’t get burned, instead I would break my usual thinking pattern and get a great energy boost for my next challenges. However if I started to be too confident, or if I dose, I will get burned. All my dancers learn about walking on fire, too. For example, each time they get on the stage, they have to be absolutely focused on what is happening and ready to react on unexpected turns. Sometimes the stage is more slippery than usual or sometimes the stage floor is in the sands, sometimes one forgets piece of choreography or sometimes music suddenly stops while one needs to continue. The stage is just one context through which we all together have felt how such moments lights up new strengths for new horizons.
The Water taught to take the risk of letting myself to be more honest and peaceful for all of the emotions I have, and especially for those emotions which we are usually taught to be kept inside because it is safer. Water taught me to say, I am sorry, I love you, I made a mistake. It helped to let tears run and laughs to be lived out loud, to consciously experience the moment of choice, to do as usual or to be more honest. Those are the best moments. It feels like time stops for a while and then it turns into a healing and refreshing flow. Flow that changes relationships, melts the ice, and fulfils hearts. Even if we think at that moment we are the most unprotected beings of the world, and even if that were true, there is no better road than accepting yourself as who you are. I love seeing how dance heals souls and the relationship with oneself. We are who we are and in the dance we often might be even more honest.
The Air. At the beginning of the year I was quite confident that I am an expert of letting myself go with the flow and taking the risks. I was challenging my students regularly to step out into the unknown. It happened as I was sitting with tears in my eyes, heavy heartbeats, and interrupted breath, when my teacher told me “You can’t walk on two roads at the same time. Because you don’t even give a chance to either of these roads to lead you somewhere and to please you somehow while you are still considering the backup roads. You have to choose. Take the risk and JUMP.” I understood my mistake. Similarly as in relationships, you are truthfully committed only when you let someone in your heart, lock it down, and throw the key away. Follow the calling, have no guarantees, and for bigger life decisions it may mean to actually let part of yourself die. So I jumped.
I am thankful to all my teachers who have confronted and counselled me. They helped me to not only stay on my road, but to enjoy it as well. It led me to create the dance concert “4 elements”.